Aesthetics vs. Getting the job done

I love pinterest. It is a great resource for ideas. For example,
when you need a creative solution for a children's book shelf, there it is at your fingertips!

However, I have found that great ideas might be just that: only ideas. When actually put into practice, they just don't work the way you anticipated. Like, activities for toddlers. Or, projects that require many $$$ and hours of time, that could be done quickly and cheaply if you just buy it at Walmart.

I'm continually learning about what to do and what not to do as a mother. And something I've learned: sometimes, it is important to be creative and to do things just the way you dream of it happening. And at other times, it's important to just get the job done and to move on to the next thing needing to be done, instead of worrying about making it visually appealing.

Losing My Life, Finding My Life

I realized today that I have done it. I've lost my life.

Now, let me replace some of that drama with some facts. The thought comes from the words of Jesus:

He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. (Matthew 10:39)

My head cleared enough yesterday to realize that I really just live for my two boys and my husband right now. I have no ambitions of a clean house, successful career, close friendships, even of finishing any of the books I'm currently reading right now. I wake up to little Cammy's pleas to snuggle with me at 4:30am, despite my desperate goal of waking up at 5am to exercise and to have some "me time".  No, instead I will snuggle with him to hopefully get him to "sleep in" until 7am. I have full days where my husband is flat in bed with back pain and it's just me, myself and I trying to keep up with the boys. I choke down a spoonful of peanut butter followed by a handful of chocolate chips, not because I am really craving sugar, but because it's a fast and simple distraction from the demanding cries of an emotionally volatile toddler (I wish I had 1/2 a second to even think of a healthier option). The realist in me could go on and on about how hard it is to try to do anything for me. The optimist in me will stop me right there--I think I've made my point clear.

Back to my opening point. I've lost my life. BUT, not in selfish goals. Rather, because I chose to marry and to have children, I've been required to give everything I have in order to take care of them. I am running on little more than an empty tank out of my love and desire to care for them.

But I have something in my tank! That's the point I wish to make with this story. I may feel that I am just about out of gas, but Heavenly Father can make it last as long as I need it to.

A story: One summer, my newly married self and husband drove roundtrip to Kentucky from Utah. If you've ever done anything similar, you know what a toll that can take. On our return trip, we were exhausted and done done done. We were on an empty stretch of Wyoming, around midnight, where there was absolutely nothing and nobody around, and we had no gas. "No gas" meaning we had hit the red caution light 30 minutes ago, the little arrow had fallen way below the E, and we were desperate. We prayed out loud, we prayed in our hearts. And that empty tank lasted 40 miles until we got to the nearest city with a gas station. We were given the gas we needed to get to where we needed to be. And it was a miracle.

The realist in me says that car manufacturers make their gauges signal Empty long before you actually reach that. Our Toyota Corrolla has an average number of 46.52 miles after the light turns on (source: http://tankonempty.com). Sure, we just lucked out. But no, that's not it at all.

I know it to be true that I experience much greater joy in life when I trust in the Saviour's words. He has promised me that if I will give my life in service to others, that I will find a greater joy in being myself than I ever could have done on my own. Just as that car was given what it needed until we could get to where we needed to be, I am given what I need so that I can continue on each day, sometimes continue just from one minute to the next, in order to do what I need to do and to become the person that He would have me become.

And as I lose my life, I find greater joy than I could ever have done by myself.

Have you found that to be true in your life?

One of my littlest and greatest joys!!!

Some Family Vaca Thoughts

It's been nice to see family and friends that I love and respect. I feel like this vacation came at a time when I have been particularly struggling to figure out life and how to be happy. Some things I've noticed and want to implement:

1. Wake up before the kids for some quiet, personal time. Maybe not 5am like Corinda and Matt, but earlier than the books. Things to do with that time (not all at once): write in journal/blog, exercise, NOT clean (or clean, depending on my mood), read a book, read scriptures, go to temple, shower and put on makeup...imagine that =)
2. Get an indoor exercise bike for days when I don't make it outside. That way I can feel good while reading or getting a me moment while Cammy watches a show.
3. Be positive. Put quotes up that inspire me. Put scriptures in mirrors. Put pictures up that make me happy.
4. Enjoy the moment and stop trying to plan so much for the far future.
5. Pinch pennies...maybe. I like to buy new things. I like to get crazy good deals, too. Oh, what to do, what to do. This is a hard one.
6. Keep eating healthy. I've let us eat a ton of sugar and my emotions can feel the roller coaster. It smells a bit more than before, too, if you get my drift. (hah! My birthday is in 2 weeks!!!) Speaking of which, I have a can of whipped cream in the fridge. I think I'll go grab that and indulge myself a bit more...=)
7. Projects: oh, how did this make it to this list? Anyways:
1. Paint bench and coat rack
2. Screw in office shelves; buy baskets and organize office

Fitness the Lord's Way

I searched many websites tonight trying to find others to commiserate with me in stay-at-home-mom fitness blues. I was highly unsuccessful. It seems there are plenty of single women with advice on how to have chiseled bodies and pregnancy gurus who help you adapt to pre-, during, and post-pregnancy exercise needs, but what about when you've had that baby in your arms, now, for over a year?

There definitely is guidance out there, but it's hard to find and even harder to trust. I realized tonight that the care of my body is a partnership. My other partner is Heavenly Father (sorry, sweetheart!). Yes, my husband plays an important part in helping me, but ultimately it's just me and the Lord making things happen.

Here is today's article by Russell M. Nelson who speaks of our unlimited potential as children of God and of the way we can and must take care of ourselves: We are Children of God.

Some of my favorite quotes from Elder Nelson's article:

• Recently I observed young men who attracted attention to themselves because of their extreme styles of dress and grooming. One made a revealing remark when he said, “I’m trying to find out who I really am.” This occurred after I had come from a Church meeting where Primary children had sung “I Am a Child of God.” Such contrasting experiences emphasize the importance of knowing that we are literally children of God.
•  Each paired organ [of our body] has instant backup available from the other of the pair. Single organs, such as the brain, the heart, and the liver, are nourished by two routes of blood supply. This design protects the organ if harm should come to any one channel.
• Development of the spirit is of eternal consequence. The attributes by which we shall be judged one day are those of the spirit. These include the virtues of integrity, compassion, love, and more. Your spirit, by being housed in your body, is able to develop and express these attributes in ways that are vital to your eternal progression.
• For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless, the gift of a physical body is priceless. Without it, we cannot attain a fulness of joy. 
• A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames. Great spiritual strength is often developed by those with physical challenges precisely because they are challenged. Such individuals are entitled to all the blessings that God has in store for His faithful and obedient children.
• We will regard our body as a temple of our very own.  We will not let it be desecrated or defaced in any way.  We will control our diet and exercise for physical fitness.
• Should not equal attention be paid to spiritual fitness?  Just as physical strength requires exercise, so spiritual strength requires effort. Among the most important of spiritual exercises is prayer. It engenders harmony with God and a desire to keep His commandments. Prayer is a key to wisdom, virtue, and humility.

Week 1: Things Do Not Change; We Change

This week, I began my change! I have begun my 30 days of exercise!

Allen and I had a fantastic conversation on our way to Sportsman's Warehouse. A different story, yes, but I have to say, I've never been to this place before! Only with Allen...and I love it! Anyways, our conversation was about the paths that life takes us and the temptation to compare ours with those of others. I had a lot to say, which surprised me, because I feel I've really thought a bit this week about who I am and what I want out of life.

One of the things that came to mind in this conversation were the words of President Eyring at this last week's General Conference. He spoke about praying for a huge trial in his life so that God could test his courage. He said that he probably shouldn't have done that...but goes on to talk about building strong foundations in life to help us face the trials we are given. Here are two excerpts I really liked (think of setting exercise goals as you read these):

1. You and I have faith that the way to rise through and above trials is to believe that there is a “balm in Gilead”⁴ and that the Lord has promised, “I will not … forsake thee.”⁵ That is what President Thomas S. Monson has taught us to help us and those we serve in what seem lonely and overwhelming trials.⁶But President Monson has also wisely taught that a foundation of faith in the reality of those promises takes time to build. You may have seen the need for that foundation, as I have, at the bedside of someone ready to give up the fight to endure to the end. If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble.

His mention of seeing the foundation in a person who is close to ending their lives reminded me of Dad. He had such strength even as he was getting weaker and weaker. I know the promise that being with his family again sustained him. He always talked of his beautiful family to whoever of the nurses and doctors would listen. The foundation of faith was embedded in his heart, and his power to endure did not crumble.

2. One of the keys to an enduring faith is to judge correctly the curing time required. That is why I was unwise to pray so soon in my life for higher mountains to climb and greater tests.
That curing does not come automatically through the passage of time, but it does take time. Getting older does not do it alone. It is serving God and others persistently with full heart and soul that turns testimony of truth into unbreakable spiritual strength.

I have realized, on this goal to change the things in my life, that I need to rely on the Lord in order to change. The stronger my faith in His promises, the stronger my ability will be. The "balm in Gilead" I'm relying on will come in my hard mornings when I don't want to wake up, or when I'm frustrated because I couldn't get out to exercise due to making dinner, cranky baby, meetings or whatnot. Prayer will be my "pep-talk".

I also must serve God and other with full heart and soul for my testimony to be turned in spiritual strength. I will now set another goal in tandem with my exercise goal--I will seek to serve others more even as I exercise more.

Soaking in the joys of family

Allen has his PMP test tomorrow. Just like finals. I know he will do great, even though he's in so much constant pain right now (probably the worst, all-the-time pain since we've been married) and he played table tennis with some friends. Four and a half hours will be killer. But he is well prepared. He'll do great.

Cammy is being so adventurous. After successfully managing to fall out if his crib on Tuesday, he has now discovered the art of pulling himself up in his crib, which means that tonight he would pull himself up, cry, let go, and fall sideways against the slats, effectively enhancing his cries and creating a domino effect. After putting him to bed 2 times and getting him after his screams alerted us, we've now set up the pack and play in his room, which (now the 4th time we've put him to bed, 1 1/2 past his maximum bedtime) will hopefully solve the problem. Truly an adventurous boy who is out and about, discovering the world around him. We love him so much! And we just want him to be able to explore without hurting himself too much. So true of Heavenly Father's relationship with us, I think.

Dad is looking improved. His hair is noticeably whiter and he looks like he's aged in these last 3 weeks. Three back surgeries and a diagnosis of cancer could do that to a person, I'm sure. Although looking frailer than I ever remember seeing him, he is able to move his body and is slowly re-learning to sustain his weight and to walk again. I know remaining optimistic is hard for him but I'm encouraged by his willingness to fight the good fight and by the wonderful staff he has around him.

Mom is incredible and has been by Dad's side this whole time. She's great at the caretaker role and I know Dad is extremely grateful to have her by his side. They are such a wonderful couple. I pray this next challenge in their lives and marriage and in our family will strengthen them and pull them together. I already see ways that it has.

Life is plugging along for us. I'm grateful for the blessings Allen and I enjoy. I am in love with our beautiful little family. I have discovered that my hobby of choice is making our house into a home. It's what makes me excited and it's what I do when I find myself without anything to do. It makes me feel happy and fulfilled at the end of the day. I enjoy playing with my baby. Who knew that playing with blocks and puzzles could be so fun? It definitely beats all the other responsibilities I have, besides that of being with my husband and making him feel good and happy. The family life is for me and I relish (and hope to continue to relish) every minute I have with them! They are my joys.

So if there was one piece of sage wisdom I would offer, it's this: see the many little joys that surround your family and soak them up.

The New Normal

I remember when each of my grandparents got sick and eventually passed away. Even now, it's interesting how things change and you're living a new "normal." It is suddenly (and slowly, over time) the new way that things are. It is now "normal" for my dad to be sick. It is now "normal" for my mom to be helping take care of him. It is now "normal" for us kids to be visiting them in the hospital, to be cleaning the house for Mom and Dad, to be worrying and wondering how they are doing.


Funny how the new "normal" and the old "normal" can be so different, yet how there is a good thing about each. I'm grateful that we kids can be closer to Mom and Dad during this time. I'm grateful for the new bonds that are being forged because of new needs. And I'm grateful for the new things I learn about myself as I'm pushed to find babysitters, work shorter hours, and make our income stretch further. There is a divine design in it all.

And then I watch videos like the above video, and read articles like this one entitled "Give us this day our daily bread" by Elder D. Todd Christofferson.. And I realize that there are many ways to grow and improve and that I'm grateful for the new "normals."