Aesthetics vs. Getting the job done

I love pinterest. It is a great resource for ideas. For example,
when you need a creative solution for a children's book shelf, there it is at your fingertips!

However, I have found that great ideas might be just that: only ideas. When actually put into practice, they just don't work the way you anticipated. Like, activities for toddlers. Or, projects that require many $$$ and hours of time, that could be done quickly and cheaply if you just buy it at Walmart.

I'm continually learning about what to do and what not to do as a mother. And something I've learned: sometimes, it is important to be creative and to do things just the way you dream of it happening. And at other times, it's important to just get the job done and to move on to the next thing needing to be done, instead of worrying about making it visually appealing.

Losing My Life, Finding My Life

I realized today that I have done it. I've lost my life.

Now, let me replace some of that drama with some facts. The thought comes from the words of Jesus:

He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. (Matthew 10:39)

My head cleared enough yesterday to realize that I really just live for my two boys and my husband right now. I have no ambitions of a clean house, successful career, close friendships, even of finishing any of the books I'm currently reading right now. I wake up to little Cammy's pleas to snuggle with me at 4:30am, despite my desperate goal of waking up at 5am to exercise and to have some "me time".  No, instead I will snuggle with him to hopefully get him to "sleep in" until 7am. I have full days where my husband is flat in bed with back pain and it's just me, myself and I trying to keep up with the boys. I choke down a spoonful of peanut butter followed by a handful of chocolate chips, not because I am really craving sugar, but because it's a fast and simple distraction from the demanding cries of an emotionally volatile toddler (I wish I had 1/2 a second to even think of a healthier option). The realist in me could go on and on about how hard it is to try to do anything for me. The optimist in me will stop me right there--I think I've made my point clear.

Back to my opening point. I've lost my life. BUT, not in selfish goals. Rather, because I chose to marry and to have children, I've been required to give everything I have in order to take care of them. I am running on little more than an empty tank out of my love and desire to care for them.

But I have something in my tank! That's the point I wish to make with this story. I may feel that I am just about out of gas, but Heavenly Father can make it last as long as I need it to.

A story: One summer, my newly married self and husband drove roundtrip to Kentucky from Utah. If you've ever done anything similar, you know what a toll that can take. On our return trip, we were exhausted and done done done. We were on an empty stretch of Wyoming, around midnight, where there was absolutely nothing and nobody around, and we had no gas. "No gas" meaning we had hit the red caution light 30 minutes ago, the little arrow had fallen way below the E, and we were desperate. We prayed out loud, we prayed in our hearts. And that empty tank lasted 40 miles until we got to the nearest city with a gas station. We were given the gas we needed to get to where we needed to be. And it was a miracle.

The realist in me says that car manufacturers make their gauges signal Empty long before you actually reach that. Our Toyota Corrolla has an average number of 46.52 miles after the light turns on (source: http://tankonempty.com). Sure, we just lucked out. But no, that's not it at all.

I know it to be true that I experience much greater joy in life when I trust in the Saviour's words. He has promised me that if I will give my life in service to others, that I will find a greater joy in being myself than I ever could have done on my own. Just as that car was given what it needed until we could get to where we needed to be, I am given what I need so that I can continue on each day, sometimes continue just from one minute to the next, in order to do what I need to do and to become the person that He would have me become.

And as I lose my life, I find greater joy than I could ever have done by myself.

Have you found that to be true in your life?

One of my littlest and greatest joys!!!

Some Family Vaca Thoughts

It's been nice to see family and friends that I love and respect. I feel like this vacation came at a time when I have been particularly struggling to figure out life and how to be happy. Some things I've noticed and want to implement:

1. Wake up before the kids for some quiet, personal time. Maybe not 5am like Corinda and Matt, but earlier than the books. Things to do with that time (not all at once): write in journal/blog, exercise, NOT clean (or clean, depending on my mood), read a book, read scriptures, go to temple, shower and put on makeup...imagine that =)
2. Get an indoor exercise bike for days when I don't make it outside. That way I can feel good while reading or getting a me moment while Cammy watches a show.
3. Be positive. Put quotes up that inspire me. Put scriptures in mirrors. Put pictures up that make me happy.
4. Enjoy the moment and stop trying to plan so much for the far future.
5. Pinch pennies...maybe. I like to buy new things. I like to get crazy good deals, too. Oh, what to do, what to do. This is a hard one.
6. Keep eating healthy. I've let us eat a ton of sugar and my emotions can feel the roller coaster. It smells a bit more than before, too, if you get my drift. (hah! My birthday is in 2 weeks!!!) Speaking of which, I have a can of whipped cream in the fridge. I think I'll go grab that and indulge myself a bit more...=)
7. Projects: oh, how did this make it to this list? Anyways:
1. Paint bench and coat rack
2. Screw in office shelves; buy baskets and organize office

Fitness the Lord's Way

I searched many websites tonight trying to find others to commiserate with me in stay-at-home-mom fitness blues. I was highly unsuccessful. It seems there are plenty of single women with advice on how to have chiseled bodies and pregnancy gurus who help you adapt to pre-, during, and post-pregnancy exercise needs, but what about when you've had that baby in your arms, now, for over a year?

There definitely is guidance out there, but it's hard to find and even harder to trust. I realized tonight that the care of my body is a partnership. My other partner is Heavenly Father (sorry, sweetheart!). Yes, my husband plays an important part in helping me, but ultimately it's just me and the Lord making things happen.

Here is today's article by Russell M. Nelson who speaks of our unlimited potential as children of God and of the way we can and must take care of ourselves: We are Children of God.

Some of my favorite quotes from Elder Nelson's article:

• Recently I observed young men who attracted attention to themselves because of their extreme styles of dress and grooming. One made a revealing remark when he said, “I’m trying to find out who I really am.” This occurred after I had come from a Church meeting where Primary children had sung “I Am a Child of God.” Such contrasting experiences emphasize the importance of knowing that we are literally children of God.
•  Each paired organ [of our body] has instant backup available from the other of the pair. Single organs, such as the brain, the heart, and the liver, are nourished by two routes of blood supply. This design protects the organ if harm should come to any one channel.
• Development of the spirit is of eternal consequence. The attributes by which we shall be judged one day are those of the spirit. These include the virtues of integrity, compassion, love, and more. Your spirit, by being housed in your body, is able to develop and express these attributes in ways that are vital to your eternal progression.
• For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless, the gift of a physical body is priceless. Without it, we cannot attain a fulness of joy. 
• A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames. Great spiritual strength is often developed by those with physical challenges precisely because they are challenged. Such individuals are entitled to all the blessings that God has in store for His faithful and obedient children.
• We will regard our body as a temple of our very own.  We will not let it be desecrated or defaced in any way.  We will control our diet and exercise for physical fitness.
• Should not equal attention be paid to spiritual fitness?  Just as physical strength requires exercise, so spiritual strength requires effort. Among the most important of spiritual exercises is prayer. It engenders harmony with God and a desire to keep His commandments. Prayer is a key to wisdom, virtue, and humility.

Week 1: Things Do Not Change; We Change

This week, I began my change! I have begun my 30 days of exercise!

Allen and I had a fantastic conversation on our way to Sportsman's Warehouse. A different story, yes, but I have to say, I've never been to this place before! Only with Allen...and I love it! Anyways, our conversation was about the paths that life takes us and the temptation to compare ours with those of others. I had a lot to say, which surprised me, because I feel I've really thought a bit this week about who I am and what I want out of life.

One of the things that came to mind in this conversation were the words of President Eyring at this last week's General Conference. He spoke about praying for a huge trial in his life so that God could test his courage. He said that he probably shouldn't have done that...but goes on to talk about building strong foundations in life to help us face the trials we are given. Here are two excerpts I really liked (think of setting exercise goals as you read these):

1. You and I have faith that the way to rise through and above trials is to believe that there is a “balm in Gilead”⁴ and that the Lord has promised, “I will not … forsake thee.”⁵ That is what President Thomas S. Monson has taught us to help us and those we serve in what seem lonely and overwhelming trials.⁶But President Monson has also wisely taught that a foundation of faith in the reality of those promises takes time to build. You may have seen the need for that foundation, as I have, at the bedside of someone ready to give up the fight to endure to the end. If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble.

His mention of seeing the foundation in a person who is close to ending their lives reminded me of Dad. He had such strength even as he was getting weaker and weaker. I know the promise that being with his family again sustained him. He always talked of his beautiful family to whoever of the nurses and doctors would listen. The foundation of faith was embedded in his heart, and his power to endure did not crumble.

2. One of the keys to an enduring faith is to judge correctly the curing time required. That is why I was unwise to pray so soon in my life for higher mountains to climb and greater tests.
That curing does not come automatically through the passage of time, but it does take time. Getting older does not do it alone. It is serving God and others persistently with full heart and soul that turns testimony of truth into unbreakable spiritual strength.

I have realized, on this goal to change the things in my life, that I need to rely on the Lord in order to change. The stronger my faith in His promises, the stronger my ability will be. The "balm in Gilead" I'm relying on will come in my hard mornings when I don't want to wake up, or when I'm frustrated because I couldn't get out to exercise due to making dinner, cranky baby, meetings or whatnot. Prayer will be my "pep-talk".

I also must serve God and other with full heart and soul for my testimony to be turned in spiritual strength. I will now set another goal in tandem with my exercise goal--I will seek to serve others more even as I exercise more.

Soaking in the joys of family

Allen has his PMP test tomorrow. Just like finals. I know he will do great, even though he's in so much constant pain right now (probably the worst, all-the-time pain since we've been married) and he played table tennis with some friends. Four and a half hours will be killer. But he is well prepared. He'll do great.

Cammy is being so adventurous. After successfully managing to fall out if his crib on Tuesday, he has now discovered the art of pulling himself up in his crib, which means that tonight he would pull himself up, cry, let go, and fall sideways against the slats, effectively enhancing his cries and creating a domino effect. After putting him to bed 2 times and getting him after his screams alerted us, we've now set up the pack and play in his room, which (now the 4th time we've put him to bed, 1 1/2 past his maximum bedtime) will hopefully solve the problem. Truly an adventurous boy who is out and about, discovering the world around him. We love him so much! And we just want him to be able to explore without hurting himself too much. So true of Heavenly Father's relationship with us, I think.

Dad is looking improved. His hair is noticeably whiter and he looks like he's aged in these last 3 weeks. Three back surgeries and a diagnosis of cancer could do that to a person, I'm sure. Although looking frailer than I ever remember seeing him, he is able to move his body and is slowly re-learning to sustain his weight and to walk again. I know remaining optimistic is hard for him but I'm encouraged by his willingness to fight the good fight and by the wonderful staff he has around him.

Mom is incredible and has been by Dad's side this whole time. She's great at the caretaker role and I know Dad is extremely grateful to have her by his side. They are such a wonderful couple. I pray this next challenge in their lives and marriage and in our family will strengthen them and pull them together. I already see ways that it has.

Life is plugging along for us. I'm grateful for the blessings Allen and I enjoy. I am in love with our beautiful little family. I have discovered that my hobby of choice is making our house into a home. It's what makes me excited and it's what I do when I find myself without anything to do. It makes me feel happy and fulfilled at the end of the day. I enjoy playing with my baby. Who knew that playing with blocks and puzzles could be so fun? It definitely beats all the other responsibilities I have, besides that of being with my husband and making him feel good and happy. The family life is for me and I relish (and hope to continue to relish) every minute I have with them! They are my joys.

So if there was one piece of sage wisdom I would offer, it's this: see the many little joys that surround your family and soak them up.

The New Normal

I remember when each of my grandparents got sick and eventually passed away. Even now, it's interesting how things change and you're living a new "normal." It is suddenly (and slowly, over time) the new way that things are. It is now "normal" for my dad to be sick. It is now "normal" for my mom to be helping take care of him. It is now "normal" for us kids to be visiting them in the hospital, to be cleaning the house for Mom and Dad, to be worrying and wondering how they are doing.


Funny how the new "normal" and the old "normal" can be so different, yet how there is a good thing about each. I'm grateful that we kids can be closer to Mom and Dad during this time. I'm grateful for the new bonds that are being forged because of new needs. And I'm grateful for the new things I learn about myself as I'm pushed to find babysitters, work shorter hours, and make our income stretch further. There is a divine design in it all.

And then I watch videos like the above video, and read articles like this one entitled "Give us this day our daily bread" by Elder D. Todd Christofferson.. And I realize that there are many ways to grow and improve and that I'm grateful for the new "normals."

Making it work

I'm grateful for this opportunity to reevaluate what my working means to my family. While I'm still needed in the workforce to help make ends meet, we look forward to the day that this won't be the case. I appreciate sound advice from the Lord's leaders that can be found on Providentliving.org, at this article, Stretching your dollars, and by Dave Ramsey. By continually looking at ways to live more economically, I know we will find more peace and comfort with our day to day living.

Gratitude for the Good Days

With Thanksgiving coming up, it's given me time to stop and pause and remember how happy and blessed I am. I have a husband, who despite his constant pain, still greatly succeeds in giving all his love to his baby and me. We have a home where are family's needs are met and which provides constant little projects for us to work on when we get bored of Netflix. Which, speaking of Netflix, we absolutely love. I can remember the day when I used to think, gee, wouldn't it be nice to just watch videos online? I used to wish that "they'd" improve the ability to stream movies so I didn't have to constantly refresh the screen and wait for it to buffer.

Speaking of Allen and his constant pain, I had a moment a few days ago to be reminded of how much he does for me. For us. And of his intense fear that he won't always be able to do that. His desire to have more children and his terror that he won't be able to hold them. I was in a moment of complaining about how tired I was of having to carry the carseat, of how hard it had been to take Cammy around all day at church without him. I was tired. And I was tired of doing all the work. And I was completely humbled as Allen shared his feelings and made me realize that I was being the fungus on the scum on the bottom of the shoe for my selfishness. A My Bestfriend's Wedding moment.

I love my husband. He loves me even more intensely than I do him and I'm constantly trying to match him. He does so much for me. Even almost 2 years after marriage, he has been true to his word that he would never stop opening doors for me. He washes the dishes after I've left them in the sink for a week and as they've just piled up all over the counters and the floor. He hates getting wet, and yet he'll stand there in his work clothes, getting soapy water all over him and the floor, wincing because of the pain of standing after a hard, stressful day, and he'll quietly in a no-complaining-way wash all my dishes until he can't bear it anymore. That's how great he is. And that's how grateful I am. And I pray that I may ever remain so grateful.

Allen is my Gallant Hero. And I will ever be grateful for him!

Doing what Christ did & does

As I have read from the pages of the Bible, in my mind’s eye I have watched Him as He “increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” 1 In my reading, I was there when He raised the dead. He healed the sick, fed the 5,000, brought comfort and hope and a process for peace into the world that He had created. He forgave those who mocked and tortured and crucified Him—for they knew not what they did. I saw the divine love and concern He had for His mother, though He suffered in supreme agony Himself. He overcame death so that we can too. He has prepared a place for us in heaven with our Eternal Father. He has taught us the plan for happiness and given us the vision of it and the hope to follow it. His was the ultimate life of sacrifice and a life of service to fulfill the plan of God His Father.

A Latter-day Saint woman who follows Christ’s example in her daily living begins to fulfill the plan of our Heavenly Father for her. By so doing she can be a powerful influence for good in today’s world and meet the challenges of mortality. I have known such women, and they have been a guiding light to me. The Latter-day Saint woman who follows Christ is a true Christian in the very best sense of the word. She is a woman of faith who trusts God and is confident and fearless.

Being Kind and Patient

In a conversation last night with Allen, we discussed his weight loss plan and how I was telling him how he wasn't following it. In the end, Allen basically said this:

“Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.”

(“He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven,” The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, 3d ed., New York: Oxford University Press, p. 585.)

I told him I would try; I would try to be kind and patient, but that I hoped he would understand that those are two things which are very difficult for me to do.

Should I work?

For mothers who wonder whether or not they would be justified in working outside the home, the Church has provided no pat answers. Rather, each couple must consider the family’s temporal, emotional, and spiritual needs and decide how they can best meet them. For Jeanne Inouye, this process involved some struggle, a blessing from her husband, and ultimately the decision to stay home: “What you try to do is look at the counsel that’s been given to us as a people. Then you look at your own particular circumstances, pray about it, and then try to make a decision that will enable the Lord to bless you, that will enable you to fulfill your mission, and that seems to feel good.”

For Jeanne, the decision was not perfectly clear, but it has felt good.

But what of others who follow this same decision-making process and reach a different decision? President Spencer W. Kimball has given this assurance: “The Lord knows … that through circumstances beyond their control, some mothers are faced with the added responsibility of earning a living. These women have God’s blessing, for he knows of their anguish and their struggle.” (Ensign, Nov. 1978, p. 103.)

--Working Double Time

In the Arms of His Love

I found this article on Buck's website. These words touched my heart:

Relief Society means sacrifice. I am always moved by this simple verse of Anne Campbell, written in behalf of her child. Said she:

You are the trip I did not take;

You are the pearls I cannot buy;

You are my blue Italian lake;

You are my piece of foreign sky.

Many of you are mothers. You are responsible for the nurture and upbringing of your children. When you grow old and your hair turns white, you will not ask about the fancy clothes you once wore, the cars you drove, or the large house in which you lived. Your burning question will be, “How have my children turned out?”

--From "In the Arms of His Love", Pres. Hinckley, Oct. 2006

In Sickness and In Health

This morning I woke up, pondering how I would put my house in order. Between remodeling our home, having a 7 week baby, and venturing to substitute teach within the next month, I've filled my mind with things I feel I have to do and left all those things strewn about the house, waiting for me to do them. I often have bouts of being overwhelmed, and my house (surprisingly) doesn't reflect the chaos as much as my mind does.

I went to church and, peacefully, set goals of all the good things I would do to set life in order this week. Then Cammy needed feeding in the middle of Sacrament Meeting, and I took off to the mother's room to continue my reflections.

Only to walk out, an hour later, to Allen, patiently waiting to tell me that he was in so much pain that he needed to go home to lay down. I was to call him when church was over.

Cammy and I happily went through two more meetings, I enjoyed playing the piano for Relief Society, I set appointments for Visiting Teaching and tentative plans to make new friends by inviting a family over for dessert in the next weeks, and Allen called me to say he was outside, ready to pick me up.

I carried Cammy and put him in the car (Allen and I have made a deal that I will carry the carseat if he will carry the rest of the stuff--it is too heavy for him and really hurts his back to carry Cammy) and we headed home.

When home, Allen and I set our stuff down, relaxed for a moment, and Allen headed straight to bed where he could take pressure off his back.

Many of our Sundays this past year have been of this sort--Allen resting to relieve the pain from the hard working week, and me either taking the nap with him or bumming around the house, letting all those well-intentioned goals sift away from my mind. I feel like I hardly achieve those goals, and it's getting harder as I now have Cammy to fill whatever parts of my mind were empty before him.

I woke from my nap and fed Cammy. Then, in a feeling of neediness, I came up here to the computer to find some sort of support group for spouses who take care of spouses with chronic pain. And I found some. And you know what? Things could be a whole lot worse.

I'm not bathing and feeding Allen. He's holding down a steady job. I signed up for this job before I was married--it wasn't something that just happened to us. Allen is kind, thoughtful, and humble. He adores me, and he's actually really fun to be with!

Do I still worry that one day he might not be able to support our family? That I may be the sole provider, besides caregiver, in our family? That I will one day be a married woman, who is really "single, but without the benefits"? Yes. But you know what I thought to myself, as I read the posts of these people who experience these things?

They have grown kinder because of it. Many have strengthened their marriages, really living up to the "In Sickness and in Health" vows they made. And I have discovered that my vows go even deeper than that--for eternity. Until Allen's pain either gets better, or until this life is over and his pain WILL be better. And I will be able to be with him in this life, which was the one desire of my heart as I told him "Yes" the night he bent down on one knee to ask me to be his.